The holidays came and went. I did what I have always done. I tunred my back on those who actually cared, proved after long years of turning my back and isolation. you know. thoswe real friends, who put up with your shit no matter what and you put up with theres. struggling to make ends meet, imperfections, 40 cats and and all, love beneath it all. yeah. i did that. I turned my back once again, for a man I barely met on tinder. it seemed the most feesible, reasonable option at the time. safer hygenically for my unbordn child though economically, and in the long list of pros and cons, unknown and completely reckless. yeah, i really fucked that risk assemsment. I was lucky at first. Litlle bit of light gaslightting and genuine deire for care beneath a controlling, parnanoid, projective ntuere. god did my pregnant ass try to cater to his needs. and I guess what he'd say is he put up with the needs of my situation. He did. His heart was inthe right place. I will stand by that. And though I may not have loved him, i loved who he was, his quirks and manerisms and imperfections. I have a soft spot for the unique, and off beat and strange. We got the horse back together, with not a few tears and harse words, some desereved some i will even admit were not. my body and my mind and the child growing within me pressed on, delirious in and out of hospitals, weak, afrraid. we made it. We got the horse back together, i mentioned that right? we had as many laughs as he drew my tears. I proved I was stronger than i ever realized I was. Then as the child grew and my own phrame shrank, it fell apart, in accusations, and self blame. isnt that how all toxic relationships go. 31, i should have known right away,and i did just barely a moment late. We escaped. I rose once again. A new home, a new life, and new struggle to define myself by. It was never okay, nothing but the beautiful child was ever okay. but we survived, and in the end I found something that had that had floated in without my notice, and had needed for far longer than I care to admit. It is amazing the power of a single friend in a solitary life. Not just a firend. the power of genuine care, and love and trust, before ones lips can form those words and breath their life into the ears of another. That stalthy beneath the radar hidden inthe fog, no longer alone anymore, kind of feeling. Im a fuck up through and through, My only virues lie in a ability to will by body beyond the limits of any biological enity of my stature, and dogged obsession for the preservation and welfare of those my insanity decalres to love. But i must have lucked out again. I say that. I hope. does one fell swoop negatie it all? I dont think it does. But lesson three ive learned now, It doesn tmatter worrying about that because it doesnt matter hwat happens to me anymore. just as long as the kid smiles and thrives. and you know what? she fucking does. more than i could have ever hope and dreamed. The holiidays came and went. I did so many things wrong I cant couldnt them anymore, but you know what? I still here, adn she smiles like a million suns. So i guess somehow did so something fucking right. The holidays came ad went, TWICE. Ill get to filling the gaps I am purposely skipping tongiht. AS fot this moment, It feels good to let my fingers rant to the ethers. It feels good, to begin again.
